Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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