my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
