There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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