I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
