Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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