You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
