My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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