Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
