Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
