my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
