Your face is a jimmy john
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
