I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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