i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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