Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
