Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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