He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
