I think im going to throw up on grandma
we made out on top of his cat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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