i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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