I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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