all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
