Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
