I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
