I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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