She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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