The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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