Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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