I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
