I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
