my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
