Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
