Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Houston, we have a blender
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
