They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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