I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
