He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
