sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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