Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
