oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
