I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
