"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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