If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
