just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
