I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
