I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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