He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
