I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
