True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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