he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
