I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
