for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
