You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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