I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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