my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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